when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
What about second breakfast?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying