To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Body by Oreos
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.