me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
You Might Also Like
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My favorite female superhero
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.