[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Solving a traffic jam
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.