[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
idk flipping houses looks really hard
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon