I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.