I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing