John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
You Might Also Like
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??