Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
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People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
the icebreaker
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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