ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
SF is the wild wild west man
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.