*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
You Might Also Like
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Y’all know who you are.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”