Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
mumsnet is amazing
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
a fate I wish upon no one
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.