Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.