Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality