Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.