I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
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Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume