8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
You Might Also Like
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner