It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
congratulations to them
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
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