Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
You Might Also Like
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Same pineapple, same
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
The biggest mystery of our time
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.