Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
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My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My whole life was a lie.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Here’s a meme