I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.