I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Smile they said.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.