Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids