A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
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the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Rooting for the overdog
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,