“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”