me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.