developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A friend helps you before you need it
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”