Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.