It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
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My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
San Francisco has too many rules
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.