911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’