Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Vodka burrito was a success
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
the worm is coming from inside the brain
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”