I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out