Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Maths meets science
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP