I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence