Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.