[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
two people or more is called a problem
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Optional boss fight.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank