They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Children of the corn 🌽