I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises