If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Never go to sleep after making me angry
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Harsh but fair