Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
You Might Also Like
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?