Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
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I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Somebody’s lying.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Discuss
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
…żyje?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy