*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
WTF
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back