90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*