I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! iām gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Some people say they donāt know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still havenāt figured out what to do with my face.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it letās me choke on my own spit.
āWhat fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
š
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying āI love you, no I love you moreā over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: iāll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if itās both
angel: youāre on
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Went to scout a park for my sonās birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Iād never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me if I was a dog
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.