Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…