ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.