Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
greetings!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”