The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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Oh hi lol
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
What my back needs
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak