Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam