[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
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*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.